MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS, MARRIAGE AND THE “PAUSE”
They say “marriage is work,” right? Have you ever wondered what work they are referring to? What’s generally not said is it takes patience, grace, sacrifice, effort, and intentional love. As a marriage coach, I teach couples what works. Now, add ms and now for many the “pause” perimenopause and menopause has entered the building, and let me just say it — who the hell are you?! The pause has brought on a whole different level of challenge. But it’s not impossible. Hard? Yes. But impossible? No.
Living with MS changes us; it already affects our energy, mood, and physical ability. And here’s the part that can sting: It doesn’t just affect you, it affects your marriage. The fatigue, the pain, the brain fog — all are hard to put into words and still your spouse may not fully get it. It feels lonely and isolating. But marriage isn’t about one person carrying everything, it’s about letting each other in, even when you don’t have all the answers.
Now, let’s bring “the pause” into the mix. It’s not just about one symptom called hot flashes. I’ve researched and read there are tons more symptoms! Mood swings that come without warning, anxiety and panic attacks, joint pain, heart fluctuations, low libido and vaginal dryness, insomnia and many more. These changes have made me feel like a stranger in my own body. It feels unfair, when MS is already a full-time job and our body is tag-teaming against us and defining which symptom is MS or “the pause.” In this season of uncertainty, I committed that this will not divide my marriage. It has reshaped it, but it has also deepened it, teaching us both new ways to support each other.
Now real talk, pause conversations were not so open and free as they are now. Our mothers were going through it, with very little knowledge and no support. I often heard my mother say, “I’m going through the change” but being in my young twenties I had no idea what “the change was.” I witnessed many of her symptoms and little solution for her. Fast forward to now, there are constant discussions about the symptoms and how to get through it with hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Even though many of us feel like an alien in our own bodies, I’m also being honest about how I feel and what I feel especially to my husband.
I’m learning that:
My worth in my marriage is not tied to how much energy I have, how my body feels, or what I can do on any given day. We don’t have conditional love in our marriage, but we have unconditional love. Which means we will face whatever “together” with grace and love.
I have to communicate even when it’s uncomfortable. Our spouses can’t support what they don’t know. If I need rest, a hug, or space to cry, I speak up. Silence builds walls, but honesty builds connection. Unspoken expectations don’t get fulfilled with a closed mouth.
Redefining our intimacy is a must. Menopause and MS may change physically at times, but our intimacy doesn’t have to. Adjusting to what works best for us is key.
Real talk, this combo of marriage, MS, and “the pause,” whether perimenopause or full-blown menopause, is tough. Some days test our patience, faith, and bond. But those same days also give us a chance to see our love in action. Love isn’t proven in the easy times; it’s proven when things get complicated, and unpredictable. A love that has never been tested is a love that can’t be trusted. So, if you’re in this season, be encouraged. You’re not alone. Your marriage can still thrive. It may look different, but different doesn’t mean less. It can mean deeper.
