A PLAN TO CHECK-IN
A big part of marriage is ensuring that the two of you are on the same page and remain that way. Because we are both wired differently it is essential that we as married couples check in with each other to ensure both parties are receiving what they need. As a part of our marriage journey, we were very vocal about needs, expectations and desires from each other. However, after my MS diagnosis in 2012, things changed.
We then became less vocal. We began to assume we were both good because no one was speaking up about any displeasures. We learned after many heated and overdue conversations that we had pent up emotions that each of us was dealing with. We discovered we had unspoken requests and expectations. We expected the other to automatically “know” how we felt and what we needed. That was NOT working! And it was critical that we came up with something to alleviate the residual of unspoken concerns.
We first began by sitting down with pens and pads and we challenged each other to write down the things we have been wanting to communicate about but haven’t or taken for granted the other should know. What an eye opening discovery! Our lists weren’t unreasonable or unrealistic but it did require attention and consideration. You know in marriage, many couples forget that many issues can be resolved by using consideration for each other. Considering one’s feelings, going ahead to make things lighter for each other makes the difference in marriage.
We called them “check-ins”. We decided in the beginning stages of implementing this that we would be aggressive so we agreed to a weekly meeting. In these meetings, we talked about how MS was affecting me personally and then how it was affecting my husband and children. We gave each other permission to feel. We began to unravel all of the emotions trapped inside that were eating us alive. We expressed things we wanted to see change and we worked on that. Each week we met, shared, talked, released what was inside and then began to develop an action plan. This system was working. Now I’d be lying if I said we didn’t fall by the side and fall into the old habits of harboring frustrations and emotions, we did. We had to be intentional about staying open and transparent so no lack of communication lingered.
I think a big part of managing marriage and MS is making sure nothing falls through the cracks. We can be so diligent in our healthcare, appointments and staying on top of our disease modifying therapy that our diligence doesn’t transfer over to our marriages. That same intensity, and diligence to keep all things organized with our health should also be towards our marriages. MS causes us to tend to all things immediately. Our marriages need that same immediate response. When our relationships are stable we are stable. Emotional stability is important as MSers to stay clear of stress.
